WWE ’13 Predicts Big Upsets — But Not The Biggest One — For WrestleMania XXIX

Hey, wrestling fans! Too busy for three hours of bodyslamming, atomic-dropping, suplexing action in New Jersey this weekend? Too poor to pay the PPV freight on WrestleMania XXIX? You can watch it all for free right here, right now!

Team Always Godlike, a group of 13 fighting game enthusiasts from across the US, simulated all 10 matches of WrestleMania XXIX using the match creator in WWE ’13. The whole thing is two hours and 51 minutes, but if you’re really in a rush to get your bets down* I can tell you who wins right now.

• Brodus Clay and Tensai win out in their eight-person mixed tag-team match involving the Funkadactyls, the Bellas, and Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow.

• Fandango wrecks Chris Jericho in what noted rasslin’ observer Stephen Totilo termed “an upset.”

• Mark Henry batters Ryback (Totilo: “That’s a mild upset.”) Henry almost submits Ryback but eventually wins by pinfall.

• Wade Barrett beats The Miz and retains the Intercontinental Championship.

• Jack Swagger takes the World Heavyweight Championship from Albert Del Rio in a huge upset and a victory for anti-immigration hardliners.

• Sheamus, Randy Orton and Big Show destroy The Shield in their six-man tag-team match. (“That’s bullshit!” says Totilo. “But it wouldn’t be too weird if that happened.”)

• Triple H survives against Brock Lesnar in a no-holds barred match and doesn’t have to retire.

• Kane choke slams and pins Big E Langston and Team Hell No, which includes noted wrestling observer Stephen Totilo’s favourite superstar, Daniel Bryan, retains the tag team championship.

And finally, the two biggest matchups:

• John Cena and The Rock reverse and re-reverse an inside cradle like, a billion times before Cena finally prevails in their grudge match.

• And if you’re wondering about The Undertaker, and his unbeaten record in WrestleMania, going up against CM Punk: Punk gets piledriven through the Spanish Announcers’ Table (TM) and is counted out (he lays prone for the full 10 count), aa Taker remains a perfect 21-0 in the WWE’s showcase event.