Earlier today Kotaku US's Kirk Hamilton wrote about the 'Three Bloodborne Enemies Who Are Just The Worst' — a look at those regular enemies who always somehow manage to hit you, beat you down and break your spirit. It was a cool list, but it got me thinking: what about the Bloodborne enemies who seem really nice?
Because I've always had this weird experience with Souls games — an experience I'm now having with Bloodborne — if a certain enemy type tends to drop helpful items, or a lot of souls/blood echoes, I start to think of them as helpful, reliable friends. Like old acquaintances, you know where they're gonna be. You know they'll help you out with a couple of Blood Vials. Thanks for the help guys, same time next week?
These can be enemies that once terrified you. But now their patterns are so predictable, so easily understood that killing them becomes pure routine. You don't even think of it as an act of violence, it's more like some weird dance. He's the barista dude in that coffee place you go to in the morning; the nice girl at the sandwich place you go to for lunch. It's a transaction. I'll come here, you'll walk towards me really slowly. I'll slam this blunt instrument into your testicles, and you'll hand over the goods.
"Hey! It's you! How you doing?"
"Hey good to see you again, got any Blood Vials?"
"Yeah I think I've got a couple wrapped up in my intestines, lemme check..."
"Oh HERE THEY ARE!"
[gets fisted to death]
"Thanks for coming!"
The Big Friendly Pig Who Just Wants To Play
This guy. This is the guy. He looks big and scary, but he just wants to play, don't ya fella!
Seriously, the big massive pig things in Bloodborne. They seem so lovely. As soon as they see you they just charge towards you enthusiastically like a pet dog. A pet dog with the ability to belly splash you and accidentally brutally murder you in one single charge. But honestly? I don't think these little guys actually want to do you any harm. When they run towards me snorting all excitedly, there's only one conclusion to draw: they just want to play. It's not their fault they weigh 800kgs.
These pigs are the goddamn best. Killing them gives you a stupid amount of Blood Echoes relative to how difficult they actually are to fight, plus they tend to drop a tonne of Blood Vials. As long as you circle properly, you're never in any real threat of dying and the benefits of approaching them far, far outweigh the risks.
And they're so lovely. Hello Mr Pig! It's me again! In another universe there is a game where I'm riding on top of this pig, and we're solving problems together. We're buddies, best buddies even. Sorta like a post-apocalyptic version of Charlotte's Web.
If you take pleasure in fisting these guys, you are a sociopath.
The Slow Ogre Guys In Yharnman That Wants To High Five You
I liken these guys to Sloth in The Goonies. When you first meet him you are fucking terrified. These guys will mess up your shit. They hit hard and, if you don't know what you're doing, they kill you in a couple of hits. Brutal. This is sort of like that scene when Chunk first meets Sloth and tries to feed him a Baby Ruth.
But this doesn't last long. Soon enough you'll learn that these guys are slow. Like super slow. Slow enough that I actually learned how to parry by fighting them. They're that predictable in their movements. Slow enough that you can fire up a charge attack without fear.
Eventually you learn to love them and their habit of consistently dropping two Blood Vials. Aw, for me? Really? You shouldn't have.
At this point, I love these guys so much I want to invite them round for dinner.
"You're gonna come and live with me now. Cause I love you."
The Little Lizard Things That Drop Blood Shards/Chunks
All jokes aside, almost everything in Bloodborne is hostile. Almost everything wants you fucking dead, and quickly. But every now and then you see these little guys: the ladybugs of Bloodborne. They see you coming and they scurry, almost inviting you to chase them.
TAG! YOU'RE IT!
They don't want to eat you. They don't want to lodge the sharp-end of an axe into your mouth-hole. They don't want any trouble mister.
But what do we do? We chase them. We run after them full-pelt. And when we catch up to them we slam the R1 button in a desperate, hungry frenzy so we can kill them for their sweet loot before they disappear into another — safer — dimension. No other creature in Bloodborne reminds me of this more: we live in a dog-eat-dog world where the strong feast on the weak. You have my goddamn Blood Shards and I will drag them out of your goddamn entrails if I have to.
Really, we're terrible people. Those poor little lady bugs. They didn't ask for this.