Tetris Is Going To Be A Movie Trilogy And Someone Needs To Stop This Shit Immediately

The most popular versions of Tetris only concern themselves with how the player engages with the mechanics of the play experience. It's a video game with no characters, story, antagonistic action or subtext. So of course people are going to make a movie out of it. You would have thought that the terrible reception of Pixels would have thrown cold water for Hollywood's hard-on for ill-considered video game movies. Adaptations of Centipede and Missile Command are in various stages of development, so clearly that hasn't happened. Now comes news that Tetris will be joining those classic titles on the silver screen.

Announced today, a Tetris movie is being developed via a new company formed in partnership between producer Larry Kasanoff (Strange Days, True Lies, Mortal Kombat) and Seven Star Works, a production concern financed by Chinese media businessman Bruno Wu. The relevant press release bits say:

"Tetris, one of the most recognised video game franchises of all time, is a perfect first project for this strategy," adds Kasanoff, the first producer to develop a hit movie based on a video game, with two number-one Mortal Kombat films to his credit. "For our debut project, Threshold Global Studios will bring one of the most beloved, cross-generational gaming brands in the world to the big screen as an epic, sci-fi thriller."
"Today there are so many great sources on which to build a movie blockbuster and video gaming is certainly an amazing category with its huge international following, so to have this legacy brand, Tetris, is a great, first project for us with Larry, who knows his way around this landscape," says Wu.
Threshold's Jimmy Ienner is executive producing with The Tetris Company and Seven Stars. Line Producer Dane Smith (Transformers, Harry Potter, Spiderman) will be responsible for implementing the unique Tetris VFX developed especially for the film.
"Just like playing the game, all the pieces are falling into place with bringing an epic, sci-fi thriller based on Tetris to the big screen," says Maya Rogers, CEO of Blue Planet Software, Inc., sole agent for the Tetris brand. "Threshold Entertainment and Seven Stars have been great partners to work with, and we look forward to continuing the momentum we've built as the film moves through the creative process. We're very excited to bring Tetris fans worldwide this epic tale in the form of a major motion picture."

Look, guys, the only epic tales that happen around Tetris involve either its creation or highly skilled people doing amazing things while playing it. Unless I hear that this sci-fi trilogy happens entirely at a speed-running convention where aliens challenge human grandmasters for cosmic Tetris supremacy, my scepticism will run very high. Even then, I will scoff.


Comments

    If you don't like it, don't buy it. Best movie 10/10 - dream came true!

    If it's not starring Adam Sandler, I'm not watching it.

      Because it will be insufficiently terrible?

      I'm looking forward to Tetris 2: The Nintendo Years. Wait, no I'm not.

    Battleship was tenuous enough. What next, movies of classic board games?

    Wait, they already did Cluedo.

      Scrabble.

        There's a feature-length doco about competitive Scrabble™: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Word_Wars

      They did indeed already do Cluedo, and it was awesome.

      At least, the last bit where they all ran around the house like maniacs is awesome. The build-up is necessary, but kind of dull.

        Best thing is there were three endings filmed, and different cinemas would get a different ending... Nuts! :)

      Maybe Monopoly? I can picture it being similar to the opening scenes of Saving Private Ryan.

        I kid you not but Monopoly is being produced already.

    Jeez. They'd be better off doing the story of a young kid who discovers Tetris for the first time in the modern era and then becomes really good at it and goes on to win an international competition much to the chagrin of his Clash of Clans-playing contemporaries. Human story AND having a dig at the mobile gaming prevalence among young people.

    Just like playing the game, all the pieces are falling into place

    I think I just threw up a bit.
    More accurately I'm imagining this game of Tetris being just slamming down one piece on top the other in the center of the field resulting in a game over and a low score.

    There is literally no way anybody could make a Tetris film exciting enough for two sequels.

    Alexey Pajitnov, the creator of Tetris, was a mythical figure to us video game fans of the 80s and 90s.

    Gaming mags the world over would often regale us with the story of how this man was a David against the Goliath of the Soviet Union. He made the game, but the Red Commie Gubmint (tm) forced him to give away his IP rights so he didn't get any money.

    Some of the facts probably got lost along the way but yeah, I'd like to see a movie about Alexey Pajitnov myself.

      I don't imagine he's seeing a central of this either

        I'm pretty sure he owns The Tetris Company along with the dude from Bullet Proof Software

        Look if they're making a movie about the shenanigans that erupted over securing this IP then that's an interesting story - if it's just blocks from space falling in front of the Kremlin though - pass!

          Last I'd heard laws in Russia at the time of Tetris creation didn't cover electronic copyright.

          Unless something changes? Which'd be fantastic!

    Imagine being the writers tasked with coming up with not one, but three, stories based on Tetris. Jeez, good luck guys...

      Orci and Kurtzmann could write 3 drafts of that shite before breakfast!

      Last edited 19/05/16 10:56 am

    Any old Nintendo Gamer readers being reminded of Tendo Globe right now?

    If they sign up Cameron Diaz...

    Penny Arcade called this back in 2003:
    https://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2003/01/24/

    Replace Jerry Bruckhiemer with Larry Kasanoff and they already have some promotional material to work with. They should also tap Michael Bay to direct, so it can 'star' Megan Fox....

    This has got to be one of the stupidest movie ideas ever

    Last edited 18/05/16 10:04 am

    Also, good reason to respost: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWTFG3J1CP8

    IN A WORLD WHERE IT RAINS IRREGULAR SHAPED BLOCKS

      ONE AVERAGE JOE LINE DANCER, A MASTER OF MOVING IN CARDINAL DIRECTIONS AND ROTATING AT 90 DEGREE ANGLES WILL BE THE WORLDS ONLY HOPE WHEN THE WORST STORM IN DECADES WREAKS HAVOC ACROSS THE GLOBE

        ...FROM EXECUTIVE PRODUCER MICHAEL BAY, YES, THE ASSHOLE THAT IS LIKELY A CYBORG SENT BACK IN TIME FROM THE FUTURE TO DESTROY THE CHILDHOODS OF THOSE IN THE 25-35 YEAR OLD DEMOGRAPHIC, COMES A FEATURE-LENGTH FILM NO ONE GIVES A FAT RAT'S LEFT TESTICLE ABOUT...

          IN ASSOCIATION WITH BRETT RATNER, UWE BOLE AND ZACH SNYDER. WATCH AS YOUR OLD GAMEBOY CLASSIC IS RAN INTO THE DIRT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

    The biggest problem that I have with this that "Hollywood" just doesn't get is when converting a video game to a movie we lose a pretty big feature that makes me lose my appear, which is that it isn't playable. That's why video games are so good, we control the character. We have the choices to decide and that you just don't get out of a movie. so to take that feature from us and them make us watch a story or watch someone else gameplay per say. It just will never compare.

    I was talking about having Tetris: The Movie just last week on another thread. As a joke on the What Games Would Make Good Movies thread.

    Seems it wasnt such a joke after all...

    But I'm a little worried. They are talking about a trilogy, but wouldnt 4 movies make more sense...?

      Hah! I was thinking the same - Tetralogy :P

    “Just like playing the game, all the pieces are falling into place with bringing an epic, sci-fi thriller based on Tetris to the big screen,”And just like playing the game, once you make a line it will all disappear. Or at least one can hope.

    Everyone? Calm your tits. The thing with movies is the market decides. let me say it again. THE MARKET DECIDES.

    That's why we have 4 transformer films, 3 of which aren't good. Because they all made money.

    It doesn't matter what you say, do or scream about. If the film makes money, there will be more, if it doesn't? It won't. And people will be writing about it for years saying "what were they thinking?"

    So just let it happen. It's not a big deal and it's definitely not a new thing. It's just how movies are made.

      Wait.

      So which one was the good one?

        I didn't mind the first. You didn't like it? Heads and shoulders above the others. They were just awful. And grossed more than a billion each. In fact, each transformers film has made more money than the one before. Because that's what people are willing to pay for.

          Oh no, I just thought it was strange to see anyone say anything good of any of them.

          Personally I did like the first and remember liking the third too. The second did rather suck. Never got to see the fourth though, but I do love me some Marky Mark.

          Looking forward to TMNT 2 :P

            The 4th is BEYOND bad. But it's par for the course really. I thought 3rd was just as bad as 2nd.

    There's story! If you get enough lines you manage to build a rocket right?

    They should do it Film Noir style. Like Tron meets Casablanca.
    As more and more blocks flood into limbo, aka 'The Grid', Line Block (who acts as the ferryman between limbo and the afterlife) is nowhere to be found.
    Meanwhile, The Grid is spiralling into chaos, as the congestion threatens it's very existence.
    The clock is ticking, detectives. And only your obsessive organisational skills will help you solve The Case Of The Missing Line Block!
    Tick... Tock...Brick... Block... *fade to black*

      Pfft...everyone knows Tetris is really a coming of age tale of teen romance

      Last edited 18/05/16 5:54 pm

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