Bowser Is Only 1.2 Metres Tall, Judging By Luigi's Penis

Thanks to this promotional image for the upcoming Mario Tennis Aces, an intrepid fan figured out how big Luigi's dick is. Let's use their maths to figure out the sizes of other Mario objects and characters.

Image: Nintendo/Kotaku

Let's not beat around the bush here. In this promotional picture for Mario Tennis Aces, you can see the outline of something in his pants that is more than just Ken-doll smoothness. Assuming it isn't a 1-up mushroom that he stashed away for later, that is presumably Luigi's penis.

Image: Nintendo

Twitter user Mithrilbowtie did some quick maths and figured out that Luigi's penis is about 3.7 inches (9.4cm) flaccid. Here's the formula behind this calculation: Tennis rackets range from 27 to 29 inches (69 to 74cm) long, so let's say for the sake of simplification that everyone is using a 28-inch (71cm) racket, which is about 300 pixels in this image. If Luigi's bulge is about 40 pixels long, then that would measure out to be 3.7-inches (9.4cm). Maths!

It's really great that we've all been on this journey together, and honestly, I'm so happy for Luigi that he has a dick. But we're also presented with a wonderful opportunity here: We can use this maths to measure everything else in Mario Tennis Aces. Have you ever wondered how tall Peach is? She's 1m tall.

Image: Nintendo/Kotaku

How about Toad? He's tiny! He's 74cm tall, only slightly longer than his tennis racket.

Image: Nintendo/Kotaku

How long is Mario's moustache, you ask? About 32cm long.

Image: Nintendo/Kotaku

How big is Bowser? This one is a little trickier. In the promotional image they use, half his racket is obscured by his hand, and he's also hunched over. I made my best estimate on the length of the racket, and measured his body in two sections. Bowser is around 1.2m. He's the size of a large child. You could definitely take Bowser in a fight.

Image: Nintendo/Kotaku

I honestly had no idea that the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom were all so tiny! This knowledge truly enriches my life. And to think, it's all because of Luigi's penis.


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      Why not?

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          Oh I thought you meant the whole thing. The penis thing is weird but I think it's more done for a laugh. I chuckled. I'm not proud of it...

    that is presumably Luigi's penis.

    How the hell could you even pretend to assume a character from an infamously child friendly company would be promoted with a dick?!
    It's the shape of his fucking pants.

    Increasingly bad form.

      'infamously child friendly'?

      Those evil child-friendly monsters at Nintendo, up to their old tricks!

        Ha! I was implying they are extremely strict on maintaining that position like squashing content where people swear in reviews, but I totally see how it came out xD

        Made em sound Disney evil.

      Yeah, it's hardly even a bulge. Especially compared to that one angle in Mario 64. And that's nothing to say of Toad's pants, just look at that bulge wowee!

      I hate the internet.

    Imagine if this article was about Lara Croft and the size of her chest being used to calculate measurements of in-game objects.

      Careful there you might get accused of being a misogynist for pointing out the obvious hypocrisy.

      To be fair, measuring your surroundings with a penis is far more practical than with breasts.

        This would have to be the greatest thing I’ve read all week

      They aren't using his penis to work out the size, they are using the tennis rackets...

    Yeah, no. If Mario's moustache was a foot wide, his head would be the size of a beach ball.

    This is the single best article ive ever seen on Kotaku. Thank you.

    They are tiny like their evil and dark little hearts #nintendont :P

    It kind of more looks like they have giant racquets to me.

    I got to Peach one and really thought it was going to be used to measure her vaginal opening. Relieved to find it was her height.
    Risqué stuff, Kotaku. You’re a badass.

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