Elden Ring’s Dirty Messages Are My Favourite, Because I’m 12

Elden Ring’s Dirty Messages Are My Favourite, Because I’m 12
Screenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

The most obvious way to tell if Elden Ring is a Souls game isn’t its satisfyingly difficult gameplay loop or incomprehensible lore. No, the true test of Elden Ring’s inherent Souls-ness lies with the messaging system, in which players can leave behind asynchronous notes to give their fellow Tarnished tips about impending dangers or troll them into jumping off a cliff.

That said, Elden Ring players can’t just write whatever they want. Messages are constructed, like in previous FromSoftware games, using Mad Lib-style templates into which players can plug a long list of words encompassing proper nouns, directions, emotions, animals, and much more. While this is good enough to talk about what’s hiding around the corner in a dungeon, for example, players also come up with clever ways to circumvent these restrictions for more vulgar purposes.

Here are some of the best messages I’ve found in the Lands Between a little over 20 hours into my time with Elden Ring. And yes, many of them are dirty. I’m a child.

Elden Ring isn’t in Fortnite (yet), so this is probably the next best thing.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Oh good, I was wondering when it was going to show up.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

This isn’t from a player, but I couldn’t help but laugh at Elden Ring’s deadpan, on-the-nose explanation of this NPC’s status.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Sometimes the best messages are the most obvious. Yep, those are legs. Thank you, nameless Tarnished.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Elden Ring is intense, so you gotta find time to rest where you can. Why not a giant, wooden chair?

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Leave that poor, old lady alone.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

The best messages, in my mind, combine text with gestures that complete or add to the joke.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Ditto.

Ditto.

Additionally, it’s really fun when a message sets up a joke…

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

…and something in the world completes the punchline.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Some of the most disappointing moments in Elden Ring have come from not being able to use the giant ballistae that menace you in certain regions. Give us a lever, FromSoftware!

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

I think these guys are too far gone to save, but it’s a nice thought.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Listen, knowing your limits is important. Do what you gotta do, just be safe.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Just in case you, like me, wonder if Elden Ring might pull a Sekiro­-like snake jumpscare every time you cross a long bridge, this helpful message should set your mind at ease.

Screenshot: FromSoftware / KotakuScreenshot: FromSoftware / Kotaku

Elden Ring is tough with a somber backstory, but it’s also the funniest game I’ve played in a long time. Feel free to share some of your favourite messages in the comments, I’d love to see what you’ve found and/or come up with yourself. The more absurd the better!

 

Comments

  • I’ve seen a few good ones but far too many trolling ones next to ledges and walls and the ongoing joke of fingers and holes near every NPC and statue in the game.

    So far I’ve stuck to helpful messages aside from one I put down that jokingly implies the first giant you come across near the starting area might be friendly.

Log in to comment on this story!