Folks, I’ve Done It: The World’s Worst Gaming Set-Up

Folks, I’ve Done It: The World’s Worst Gaming Set-Up
Please don't tell anyone how I game. (Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia)

Gaming set-ups. Every gamer has one, and every gamer prides themselves on their own.

You’ll see plenty of flashy PCs, multiple monitors bigger than televisions, and keyboard-mouse combos that are so clickety and clackety, one might mistake them for a beautiful businesswoman walking by.

Sure, you see all kinds of cute, cool, and crazy gaming set-ups online. Getting your set-up just right is the absolute best feeling, I get it! But what about the bad ones?

Sure, you see some truly revolting and sometimes very sad gaming set-ups online. Really just… questionable stuff. However, there’s always something missing.

The problem is with the ‘something missing’, it’s usually something not real. By that, I mean that it could always be worse somehow.

How, you ask? How can it be worse than a lone plastic chair in the middle of an empty, stained-carpet room? With said room hosting a shoddy TV with an Xbox 360 that has seen cleaner days?

Simple. I decided to concoct a gaming set-up so cursed and wretched, that putting them all together would truly make for the worst gaming experience yet. Please, take a look.

A Gaming PC That Somehow Works, Despite Only Consisting Of Two Very Rude And Sexual Goblins Inside Of A PC Casing

gaming pc set-up
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Somehow, this PC can play any game. Literally any game you can think of. However, the price you pay is that Gork and Gunk, the two goblins that live inside the PC, are very rude and annoying.

While you play your PC, they will berate you. Spit at you through the holes. They stink like sewage, and if you try to clean them, it will break the PC.

Gork and Gunk are also in love and are very sexually attracted to each other. This means that while you are playing games, they will make very loud, very smelly, and very passionate love.

Try to stop them, and the PC will turn off in the middle of your game. The only way that games will run at full potential is if they are boning. It’s truly awful, but you may be able to accept it for a very solid and consistent framerate.

A Very Big Monitor That Covers The Screen With Hands For Scary Games

gaming monirot set-up
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia / Torque Gamers

In theory, this could be a great idea for gamers that are easily frightened.

This monitor has two big hands that cover the screen if there is a scary part in the game. For example, if you are playing Scary Baby In Horror House, the hands will cover the screen anytime the Scary Baby shows up on the screen.

The problem is, this monitor has a mind of its own, and it is very easily frightened. You might be playing a game that isn’t even scary, but if the monitor is scared of it, too bad. You can’t see what’s happening.

Another issue with this monitor is that the monitor believes it can also play the game and will smack the screen if there is an enemy on it. This may break the monitor.

If you try to move the hands away, they will swat your hands away and flip you off.

You may be inclined to hold the hands of the monitor. If you do this, they will never let go. This is a problem because you will need those hands to play Scary Baby In Horror House.

A Consistently-Wet Piss-Covered Gamer Chair

Folks, I’ve Done It: The World’s Worst Gaming Set-Up
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

The only good thing about this chair is that it’s the most comfortable gamer chair on the market. Your back will thank you. You will never know comfort like this.

The issue is that there will always be piss on it, exactly where you must sit. The words ‘PISS BABY’ are right at the top of the chair, always visible to anybody who sees you gaming.

Try to clean the piss off? It comes back. Not only is this chair pre-pissed on when you buy it, but it will somehow always be pissed on. The piss will always smell like 2-minute chicken noodles.

This chair goes all the way back too, but the further back you lean, the further the piss travels. Lie completely flat, and you’ll find yourself saturated with the mysterious magical gamer chair piss.

A Light-Up Gamer Keyboard With Only The ‘S’ Key

Folks, I’ve Done It: The World’s Worst Gaming Set-Up
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Marketed as ‘A Keyboard For The Gamer That Only Wants To Go Backwards’, this keyboard has only one key: S.

We’ve seen gaming whiz kids manage to make a single-key keyboard work before. Rudeism completed Dark Souls II with just one key, so it’s definitely possible.

However, you cannot remap this keyboard. You have one choice, and that choice is backwards. If you attempt to change the controls, it will not work. You may only go backwards.

This keyboard is perfect for people that have no plans to walk left, right, or even forwards, and also for people who love to hiss like a snake.

It also does not make a clickety-clack noise but instead opts for a very real blood-curdling scream every time you press it.

A Mouse That Licks Your Palm While You Use It

Folks, I’ve Done It: The World’s Worst Gaming Set-Up
Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

This mouse… I don’t like this mouse.

This mouse is very responsive, fast, and has mappable keys. However, it will consistently lick your palm while you use it.

Don’t worry, you will not hurt the mouse by right- or left-clicking. The eyes cannot be poked, but they will always maintain full- uninterrupted eye-contact while the mouth licks your palm.

If you attempt to kiss the mouse, it will say, ‘Sorry, I don’t like you like that.’ Despite this uncomfortable rejection, the mouse will still lick your palm anytime you use it.

The tongue is coarse and prickly like a cat’s tongue, and very slimy. You will also get a rash on your palm if you use it for too long.

And the worst part of all? It’s not even wireless!


So how did I go? What else do you think could be added to this gaming set-up to make it even worse? Give me your most horrible, wretched, and useless ideas in the comments.

Comments

  • Had a co-worker at Umart who’s gaming case was a milk crate, holding up the motherboard in a web of zip ties

    Umart doesn’t pay much…

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