Ruby’s Guide To Making A Spaghetti Gaming Laptop

Ruby’s Guide To Making A Spaghetti Gaming Laptop

This is a guide for any gamer that needs an easy way to put Spaghetti Bolognese in and on their Gaming Laptop.

So you’re sitting on the floor. There’s no furniture in your house. Your house is just filled to the brim with very old ghosts who bully you for your weird ass. You’re naked. Wait, no. You’re wearing a shirt that says “I’m Am Stupid” and there’s an arrow pointing inwards. You have no skin maybe. Or too much skin. You’re a gamer, and you’re hungry.

Luckily enough, you have the two things that will solve all your problems: a gaming laptop (for gaming), and all the ingredients for a delicious Spaghetti Bolognese.

The problem is, what are you even supposed to do with these? You have no quest pointer. There’s no Mummy around to tell you what to do. You’re cold. Scared. Starving. The toilet is filled with goblin gold that belongs to your goblin roommate. He refuses to lend you any goblin gold, as he hates you. He refuses to buy furniture for the house because it’s ‘not in the goblin code’. Therefore, money is not an option.

So what do you do?

Never fear, my gamer friend, as I am here to help. You’ve done a really great job having all the things required for this guide. I am going to teach you how to make a Spaghetti Gaming Laptop, the perfect tool for any hungry gamer.

Step 1: Create the Spaghetti Bolognese

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Firstly, what you’re going to do is go outside and find the nearest gremlin gathering. Don’t worry, it is not illegal to ruthlessly murder the gremlins. You were trained for this. Kill the gremlins one by one, and head to the large cooking bowl in the middle.

Set it alight, and put all of the Spaghetti Bolognese ingredients into it at once. Wait around 30 seconds, and it should be made into a perfect Spaghetti Bolognese. As shown in the picture, parmesan cheese is optional and can be added in the first or the last step.

Step 2: Open Kill Honkle on your Gaming Laptop

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Remember how I said you had trained for the gremlin slaying? That’s because you’ve spent the last 50 years of your life playing Kill Honkle. What you’re going to do now is open up Kill Honkle and turn all the settings up to the maximum.

This will get your Gaming Laptop nice and boiling hot, and the fan is going to be louder than your next-door neighbour that LOVES musicals. The heat is vital for the next step.

Step 3: Put the Spaghetti Bolognese on your Gaming Laptop

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

You can do this step in either two ways:

  • Very slowly let the Spaghetti Bolognese slip off the plate and onto the Gaming Laptop, allowing for all the juices to seep into the keyboard, Italian-style. It will look like the picture above.
  • Sprint 50 metres away from the Gaming Laptop after gathering all the Spaghetti Bolognese into your hands, then proceed to spin around really really fast until you can’t spin anymore and let go of the Spaghetti Bolognese, aiming perfectly at the Gaming Laptop. This technique will give your Spaghetti Bolognese more Air Flavour, but could also result in the Spaghetti Bolognese leaving you forever. High risk, high reward.

Either of these work, but it is vital that the Spaghetti Bolognese does end up on the Gaming Laptop.

Step 4: Close the Gaming Laptop

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Don’t worry if it doesn’t close all the way. The reason why your Gaming Laptop will not fully close is that there is Spaghetti Bolognese in there.

This is a really important step as it will signal to you that the Spaghetti Bolognese that you made is within your Gaming Laptop, and it is there to stay. It’s similar to a sandwich press-type situation, except not really.

You could finish here, and get on with your life, or you could do one last step.

Step 5 (Optional): Add Parmesan

Image: Ruby Innes / Kotaku Australia

Some people do not like parmesan cheese, and they are wrong. It’s okay, and it’s legal, but it’s objectively incorrect. My personal touch to this guide is adding parmesan cheese at the very end.

While you could add it at the beginning when you make the Spaghetti Bolognese in the gremlin bowl, this technique will allow for the parmesan cheese to be on top of the Gaming Laptop. This is good, maybe.


If you follow these steps correctly, you will have successfully made a Spaghetti Gaming Laptop. Using the Spaghetti Gaming Laptop, you can convince your goblin roommate that you actually really need his toilet gold for a new Gaming Laptop, as your old one is preoccupied with being filled with Spaghetti Bolognese.

Luckily, your goblin roommate is sympathetic to Spaghetti situations, so this will work 100% of the time.

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