At this moment in time, we’re sitting in a weird spot in time. The major game releases have come out just before Christmas, but it’s still too early to start posting our Top 10’s of 2022. Sure, we’ll have a few bits of news here and there, but it’s quiet. Dead quiet.
In these moments of peace, I sit and ponder. I think of life’s most grueling questions, and watch as they manifest into floating words around my head before fading away: Where do we go when die? Who is Banksy? Does Bruno Mars Is Gay? Which animals are gamers?
That last question sticks with me a lot. We know that there are video games now being made for dogs. What’s next, a dog for world president? I sure hope so.
But what about other animals, outside of a gamer dog? I know in my heart that there are animals out there that intuitively could be gamers by nature. How do I know this? Simple. I just think about it and it seems right. Isn’t that what philosophers did back in the day? Just sit around in togas and go, “Hey, what if life is a highway, and we were to ride it all night long?”. That philosopher’s name? Tom Cochrane.
Anywho, I thought it would be the right time in this moment of slow news to share with you the animals that I believe are gamers, just based on a gut feeling I have. My gut may be unreliable when it comes to the actual job it has (digesting food), but it’s pretty good when it comes to intuition.
Please, for the love of God and all that is holy, take a look. Also, please don’t actually fight me. My body is too soft and shitty to take a single punch.
This funny monkey
The black-and-white snub-nosed monkey is definitely one of the funniest-looking monkeys. When I took a daring leap of faith and asked in my company-wide group chat what everybody thought of this funny monkey, I received these responses:
- “very good”
- “that’s a pretty funny monkey!”
- “munky”
- “it is funnier than I expected”
- “looks like its about to tell me something that alters the course of my life”
- “monke”
- “it definitely knows at least one (1) secret of the universe”
There’s a strong argument in favour of this monkey being a gamer. First of all, I’ve met gamers before that look a little funny, myself included! As well as that, its’ secret knowledge of the universe is akin to when gamers know how to do a cool trick in a video game. It’s the same thing!
This funny monkey is definitely a gamer, and I think it likes to play Nintendo 64. It’s a classic gamer, and it loves to laugh.
Every octopus, probably
Fearing my job security after posting a picture of a black-and-white snub-nosed monkey in the company-wide group chat, I decided on this one based on pure instinct alone. It’s obvious, right? More legs, more gaming.
Considering every octopus has eight legs (or ‘tentacles’, as I’ve been told), I would be inclined to say that pretty much every octopus is a gamer. You can play an octopus in a video game, and that directly links to the fact that if you slapped an octopus onto a Street Fighter arcade machine, it would know exactly what it was doing. I’m yet to meet an octopus expert that says otherwise, but I’m also yet to meet an octopus expert.
This octopus, and every octopus, is definitely a gamer, and I think it would play button-masher games.
Crabs, baby
Yeah!! Haha, fuck yeah!! Sorry, I’m just stoked about this crab. It looks like it’s ready to party!
Crabs are gamers, for sure. They’re very specific gamers, though. I believe with my whole heart that crabs are exclusively motion-control gamers. Some may say that people who play Just Dance exclusively are not ‘real gamers’, but are you really going to look this crab in its beady little eyes and tell it that platinum-ing every single Just Dance game and religiously playing Just Dance every day is not ‘real gaming’? Watch out for your Achilles’ heel, this guy’s a nipper!
If you were to see a crab playing a game, it would definitely be Xbox Kinect or Wii. You may play with the crab, but you will live in fear for your ankles if you win against one.
Most beavers, but not all
I think beavers are very smart creatures. I personally don’t think I could build a dam out of random stuff I find laying around, and I definitely don’t think I could pat it down with my tail. That’s a beaver exclusive, baby!
Based on this pure instinctive ability to create, I think that beavers are THE animal gamers. Gamers love to build, they love to create! Some gamers also have little hands with long nails, and some of them have big flat tails too. The similarities are endless. However, I don’t think all beavers are gamers because they might be too busy building dams. They have jobs, you know.
I think that there are definitely some beaver gamers, and I think they play Minecraft. No, I know they play Minecraft.
Specifically this cat
This cat is a gamer. This cat is a gamer and there’s nothing you can do about it.
I’ve met this cat at a convention for Gamer Cats once. It was the only gamer cat there because there’s only one gamer cat and it’s This One. This cat is a gamer, and it’s playing Fortnite and it has the Battle Pass too. It’s not good at it, in fact, it’s terrible at it.
The thing is, you don’t have to be good at games to be a gamer. This gamer cat is absolute dogshit at playing games, it’s so bad. Oh my god, it’s the worst at playing video games, Jesus Christ. That doesn’t matter though, it does it anyway, and it’s the only one that does it. What are you going to do about it? Cry? Piss your pants? It doesn’t care. It’s laughing (in meows) and it’s making the character run into a wall.
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