Have you got a loved one that embarrasses you deeply because they do things with their life that don’t involve video games? Does it make you sick to your stomach? Does it make you consider them a hated one? Most importantly, do you want them to stop being like that? I can help.
Through years and years of experience in knowing what a video game is and explaining to the frightened elderly why people enjoy virtually simulating showering with one’s father, I’ve figured it out. What is ‘it’, you ask? Well, I’ve figured out the sure-fire ways to turn anybody into a gamer.
People on this horrible putrid planet will tell you that “video games aren’t for everyone”, but that’s a lie. They’re lying to you and frankly, that’s unacceptable. Gaming can be for everyone, and will be for everyone. I’ll make sure of that.
So you’re wanting to get your friends and family into gaming, but you have no idea where to start. Sure, you could recommend them your favourite game or even recommend them a game you think they’d like. You could do that, but are you prepared for the potential disappointment of subjective opinion? Probably not!
I’ve made this list of things that you can do that will absolutely, without a doubt, positively turn anybody into a gamer. The easy way is open to failure, but the hard way is worth every second of shame.
Hit ’em Godfather Horse Head-style
What is the most important thing that The Godfather taught us? Of course, it’s that a horse head in the bed can send any message you want it to.
Considering an actual horse head is a little extreme and probably illegal, I wouldn’t recommend doing that if you want to make somebody a gamer. However, placing an Xbox Series X next to the target in bed while they are sleeping can potentially send them subliminal sleep messages about how much they love video games. If they didn’t, why would they be side-by-side with an Xbox Series X?
Waking up next to it is also perfect as it will be the first thing they see at the start of the day, and that’s going to be the last thing they think about when they go to sleep. If they get rid of it, simply put it back there the next morning. You might need to do this a few times before it sticks.
Incorporate games into their eating habits
Eating food is an essential part of life. If you don’t eat food, you die! I learned this from Animal Planet.
Taking into account that we all eat, and that you want this to be the same mindset for the target when it comes to video games, why not combine the two? Make the target a sandwich and put a physical copy of Horizon: Forbidden West in there. Cook a stew and chuck a few Nintendo Switch cartridges inside it. Deep-fry an Xbox Kinect. The options are endless!
The only downside to this one is that most of these gaming peripherals taste bad. My advice would be to find a way to numb the target’s tastebuds. Once a game is in your tummy, the thought of gaming will be yummy!
Replace their distractions with gaming
This is probably the hardest one depending on what the distraction is.
You want the target to have video games at the forefront of their mind. In saying that, there are many things that people would naturally put first instead of gaming. Family, friends, survival needs, physical activity, you name it. What you want to do is take that shit away. Borrow the baby and put a Nintendo Switch in the crib. Throw their home-gym equipment into an incinerator and replace it with a PS5 Camera and Just Dance. Every important thing in their life has a superior gaming alternative.
What makes this one hard is that your target may not take it well, and will potentially resent you. However, that sounds like a them problem!
Gaslight them
In all the 187 Earth years I’ve spent in this physical form, there’s an important lesson that I’ve learned: lying to the people you love most can take you far.
If you’ve got a knack for photo editing and emotional manipulation, this one is going to be right up your alley. Simply take the family photos of your target, and add various video game references to the pictures. While the above example of turning one’s parental figures into classic Nintendo 64 games might seem extreme, sometimes it’s the most extreme option that has the best results.
No matter what, you have to stay strong when they question your lies. A simple “I don’t know what you’re talking about” or even a “How could you not remember your own mother and father” can go a long way. Eventually, they will start to take in the false memories and grow to love their video game family.
These are simply the tried and true moves that one can make when introducing one to the video game world, but there are definitely other options available. The most important part is remembering that nothing in this life is more important than playing video games, and that one day all your favourite video game characters will look directly into the camera, address you by name, and tell you how much they love you.
Or they won’t, and all of this advice is piss! You never know.
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