The Five New Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Characters Should All Be Kongs

Yesterday, we learned that Birdo would be gracing the cast of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe with her presence. We also learned that 5 new characters would be added to the mix at some point. I’m here to say that these 5 new characters in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe should be from the Donkey Kong world.

Our own Luke Plunkett reported yesterday that with the latest update for Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, 5 new spaces popped up in the character selection screen. Let’s take a look at the line-up for just a moment here.

5 new spaces #MK8D #NintendoSwitch pic.twitter.com/6JZQvq7XtL

— PadWarrior (@pad_warrior) March 9, 2023

Luke throws a few guesses into the ring in his report, suggesting that Nintendo might continue to introduce characters from their other franchises like Zelda, Animal Crossing, and Splatoon. He suggests characters like Samus from Metroid, Captain Falcon from F-Zero, and even a Wind Waker version of Link. But me? I’m Kong-crazy.

The replies to the above tweet include plenty of guesses as to who those five characters could be as well, with quite a lot of them suggesting 2-3 Kongs. To be specific, most people were suggesting characters like Diddy Kong and Funky Kong, which are all noble choices. However, I think all five characters should be Kongs.

There are so many Kongs to choose from. My personal picks are as follows:

• Lanky Kong – He has no style, he has no grace, this Kong is a fucking disgrace, and that’s why I love him. This funny-faced Kong would be a funny addition to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe because it would look goofy to see his long arms squeezing into a kart. He could just reach over and slap somebody. It rocks.
• Cranky Kong and Wrinkly Kong – I think that we should go for a Double Dash kind of vibe with the two elders of the Kongiverse. These two crones would provide some much-needed old person representation in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. That being said, Wrinkly Kong is deceased, so her appearance would be purely for aesthetics.
• Diddy Kong – Diddy Kong is a favourite for many, and a kong that lots of people in the replies are hoping for. It makes sense considering the existence of Diddy Kong Racing, which we haven’t seen since the DS remake in 2007. If we’re not getting another Diddy Kong Racing game, it’s time to put the little buddy in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe.
• Dixie Kong – I’d argue that the same case with Diddy Kong applies to Dixie Kong. Put her in a cart! Now!
• Tiny Kong – I find it fascinating that Tiny Kong is depicted as older in later games, and yet her older sister Dixie stays the same age. I think her younger self from Donkey Kong 64 should be in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, with the crossbow included. Shoot Mario’s tires flat. Do it.
• Chunky Kong – I would argue that Chunky Kong is one of the coolest of the Kongs. He’s a big sweetie, a kid at heart despite his large frame, and he loves butterflies and ballet as well as wrestling. There’s ample opportunity to bring Chunky Kong back into the limelight here. He fucks.
• Kiddy Kong – You might argue that Kiddy Kong, a three-year-old baby kong, cannot drive. However, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe features FIVE BABIES. FIVE! This proves that babies CAN drive, and I believe that Kiddy Kong would be the best Baby Driver of them all. No relation to the movie Baby Driver.
• Funky Kong – Here we have another suggestion favourite, Funky Kong. I get it, he’s cool and hip. He’s the fun-loving Kong. There’s not much to hate about this Kong unless you’re uptight and you hate fun. I would not be surprised if they went with Funky Kong. It would make the game more cool.
• Candy Kong – Honestly, I love Candy Kong. She’s constantly serving kong-t, she’s a supermodel, and she slays. While there are already a number of women in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe who are slaying, I think one more girlie wouldn’t hurt.
• Swanky Kong – Honestly, I think Swanky Kong should just be a skin for Donkey Kong. I know Mario Kart 8 Deluxe doesn’t have skins, but there’s nothing wrong with getting a little swanky with it.
• Bluster Kong – Bluster Kong has never been in a Donkey Kong game. He’s never been in a game, in fact. He’s only in the Donkey Kong animated television series. I think his first appearance ever in a video game being as an extra character in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe would be funny. That’s it.
• Uncle Kong – This one, however, would be even funnier than Bluster Kong. Uncle Kong not only hasn’t been in a Donkey Kong game, he hasn’t even been in the animated series. Uncle Kong literally only appears in a Japanese strategy guide for Super Donkey Kong 2: Dixie & Diddy to give the reader hints on how to beat the game. If there’s any Kong that would benefit from being in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, it’s the long-forgotten uncle.

Of course, there are so many more members of the Kong family. These are simply my personal picks. Literally every one of Bowser’s demon spawn are available to play in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, so why not include 3-5 Kongs? Why not, Nintendo? What are you so afraid of?