Kotaku reader Hermes asked this question on Twitter yesterday and I told him I was going to steal the topic, so here it is: if Australia was an RPG, who would be the final boss?
I mean the obvious choice is Tony Abbott, but I’m not sure if he wields enough power. I suspect he might be like the sub final boss, like the guy you are told at the beginning is the final boss, but then there’s a twist and he’s being manipulated by a more powerful force.
So I’m going to say the final boss of the Australia RPG is Rupert Murdoch. I think that makes more sense.
What do you think?
Comments
96 responses to “Tell Us Dammit: If Australia Was An RPG, Who Would Be The Final Boss?”
Julie Bishop’s death stare.
my final boss will be Ernie dingo on The summit of Uluru wielding magical boomerangs and riding an armored kangaroo…
Clive Palmer. If the government wants something then they have to go through him.
Final level is the Titanic.
Clive Palmer riding a dinosaur.
Jackie Lambie riding Clive Palmer riding a dinosaur.
But… but I thought the player is supposed to ride the dinosaur in the final level… all the best games do that!
Wait… what games have you been playing? I wanna ride a dinosaur!
It’s a little spoilery, but:
Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon.A final boss must have a theme song.
My Heart Will Go On, of course.
The Time Warp. Not least because with a jump to the left and a step to the right you’d easily get past him (except if you’re the govt and not capable of that kind of flexibility).
Oh, I thought it was gonna be like some kind of Australian monster, like the Bunyip, or Tiddalik the Frog. Or perhaps even the Yowie, the sasquatch of the south
Or Fatso the fat-arsed wombat?
I would’ve called it a Chazwozza.
The NBN. It’s been controlling everything from behind the scenes, employing Abbot and those before him to evangelise its magnificence and help spread its tendrils throughout Australia. It’s kind of like the antithesis of Yggdrasil.
Late-game reveal that Malcom and Steven were both just puppets dancing to its malevolent schemes.
/Reads headline.
Rupert Murdoch. He’s been making and breaking governments for over 40 years, and his father was doing the same before that. He’s clearly the end boss.
/reads rest of article. *shakes fist* Goddamnit Serrels!
Accompanied by Gerry Harvey who wanted GST on overseas transactions. Rupert Murdoch would still be the kingpin. Plus it wouldn’t be much of a twist. Everyone would see it coming.
The Lagbeast on the good ship Budgetcrisis and his 3 adds Kevo Gillo and Swanny
Ourselves.
Resurrected Steve Irwin.
I like to imagine the ghost of Steve Irwin is the Navi-esque character.
HEY!
CRIKEY!
I can get behind that
That’s perfect!!!
and when you go to equip a spoon he should be like “that’s not a knife! that’s a spoon!”
Steve Irwin. SIIIIIIIDE-KICK!
Paul Hogan dressed as Crocodile Dundee using fosters cans as weapons and shrimps on barbies as his minions. It just makes sense.
that’s not a knife
that’s not a knife – with BBQ tongs
Harold Holt.
I’m back bitches!
No he’s your last minute companion that helps you save the world, back from his around the world swim.
Mental image of a Thunderbirds-style underground base below the Harold Holt Swim Centre where he had been preparing everything for years.
And he’s super buff. Turns super saiyan when he hits low HP.
Water Zombie Holt?
Love it. He was kidnapped whilst swimming by a Russian submarine, brainwashed then returned as Communist Mecha-Holt.
Tony Abbot (take 2) with Village Roadshow as a side kick which produces amazingly long quest dialog before the fight and Joe Hockey with AoE powers such “Tax Slam” “Gold charge for the health potion use” etc
but your character gets special powers for this fight:
– ‘NBN cables’ that do 0.0001% damage as cables are too short
– ‘boat people’ – that run in different directions ones used taking a bit of agro from your character
The Rainbow Serpent
Cathy Freeman
Yep Rupert Murdoch.
Crocodile Dundee with a giant knife
Matt Shervingtons dick
So juvenile, I couldn’t help but laugh.
I’d imGine the final boos would be all Australian wildlife combining together to create a super creature of pure death. Or Tony Abbott, but he would be portrayed as The Old Iron King from Dark Souls 2…Looks like the devil
The twelve steps of AA
Nature – take your pick which is more bad-ass. Politicians and rich business people are simply old grey p*ssies in old grey suits with delusions of grandeur.
A dingo stealing a baby?
The secret love-child of Tony Abbott and Julia Gillard only because those 2 doing the dirty would be so hilarious and disturbing at the same time and the abomination produced would end the world as we know it 😛
Obviously it would be the mighty fearsome dropbear.
This is clearly the correct answer. you sir can have the internet award for the day.
I can just see it now…….
The whole game lead up to a final boss fight with Tony Abbott (who we have been chasing all game believing he is the boss, but being the slippery little sucker he is keeps on eluding us), As the final battle begins with TA’s patented “Ear Flap attack” followed by a devastating “Budgie Smuggler Slam” follow up move, a great battle follows much blood is shed. Then just when you think it is over BAAAAAM the real kingpin reveals himself and the real final battle begins.
I knew it, it was those F**king drop bears all along !
TA wearing his budgie smugglers, hard hat and fluoro vest, brandishing a lump of coal and screaming three word slogans. Dropped by a drop bear.
I see the dropbear as like a Diablo 3 Nemesis. On account of how they attack from nowhere and can’t easily be sought out. Probably only spawn when you have a foreigner in your party, given their love for tourist blood.
The Australian Classification Board and the Australia Tax would make good mini-bosses.
Australia would be the comedic side character everyone hates.
Someone must be feeling patriotic today to neg me for that haha.
rinehart or murdoch imo
I imagine that the final boss isn’t just one thing.
its a fight in which you’ve gotta put all the skills you’ve learnt so far into practice – inventory management, positioning, exploiting enemy weaknesses etc.
it’d be an endurance fight. against waves of spiders, snakes, poison fish, sharks, crocodiles, sheep, platypuses, bogans, Cory Bernardi, Crabs, Jellyfish, Racists, Rich young white males, Conservative Media Outlets & Cane Toads.
Gina Rinehart
Gina Rinehart riding Clive Palmer riding a TRex
I legit just laughed out loud, what a visual!
THE NBN, Giant SLOW invisible Tentacles of fibre with Copper Balls on the end!
THE SUN!
the devil that saps every dollar from every ozzie
Gina Rineheart
The australia tax
Mark Serrels
he’s clearly been pulling all the strings behind the scenes for a long time now……I’m on to you buddy !
God, any of the presenters of Today Tonight or A Current Affair. Barffff.
My companions would be Margaret and David.
Todd Carney’s urine stream
Rhonda Birchmore
The All Blacks, obviously.
The Demon Lord Boganous.
Summoned by Duke Abbott & the insane Emperor Rupert of Murdoch to control the Australian population through fear, pop culture & Ugg Boots.
His attacks are Social Schism -where he splits the party between Ford & Holden users, debuffing followers of certain footy teams randomly; Casual Racism -“I’m Not Racist But. . .” causing damage by character’s ethnic identity & only countered by a good takeaway or sports star; the Boomerthong -a low level attack that hits all party members before return to his feet; Tinny Smash -throws beer cans at players; McMasion -drops a huge house on players. & his ultimate attack is Mullet fury, where his unruly hair strangles all PCs, including massive social damage for being seen with a mullet.
Toadie from Neighbours.
Rolf Harris.
If it’s a shooter …. Andrew Bolt
Therapy…
Kevin Rudd’s ego.
Such a game would have to come on four BluRay disks then but OK, 😛
How about Daryl Somers?
The undead corpse of Steve Irwin
We all know the final boss would be Gina (the hutt) Rinehart.
That fatty is gross
Those thugs in the scallop industry!
….or I’d settle for Warrick Capper
It would be a gauntlet run.
Round 1: Malcolm Turnbull
The Minister of Communications is a troublesome foe. His ability to slow down battles to a crawl will test you patience as he is the only one battling at full speed. Beware of his “restructuring” skill that not only slows the battle down even further, but changes your abilities at random to lower level skills that do not work as well against him.
Round 2: Christopher Pyne & Joe Hockey
In this 2 opponent battle, you faceoff against the biggest loudmouths at the same time. Beware of Christopher Pyne’s “speech” skill, as it will send most members of your party to sleep with no way to wake them. All the while, Pyne will get stat boosts from Joe Hockey’s “Loud Nonfactual Comments” background skill which activates during your turn in battle. Together, both can use the “Dishonorable Speaker” summon which will bring down the Gargoyle Bronwyn Bishop for a one shot kill of your party. Should you survive this battle, you will lose 75% of the gold you would receive through Pyne’s “Unregulation Payback” skill and Hockey’s “GP Co-Payment” and “High Income Debt Levy Repayment” skills.
Round 3: Tony Abbott with Rupert Murdoch & Gina Rinehart
The final boss (or would that be Bosses?) as you face off against the big eared puppet Abbott and his puppetmasters, Rupert and Gina. Together, these two monsters will not only control Abbott against your party, but your own party members will turn on you all thanks to Rupert’s “Mass Media Influence” skill. Gina is also a terror in her own right, as she will make things really one sided with her “457 Visa” skill, which floods the fight with underpaid overseas enemy grunts. Just be careful if you defeat Gina & Rupert before taking care of Abbott or he’ll enrage into his “War on Terror” mode, where he’ll commit 600 enemy grunts to wipe your party out in one swift attack.
I can think of a few more
Round 4: Steven Conroy
Your skills of deduction are put to the test where all status indicators and commands are blacked out giving you no idea what your attacks are doing or what your health is.
Round 5: Wayne Swan
A dark alchemist who every attack not only damages you but makes the world around you destabilises until it collapses.
Near the end, he casts “Bumper Surplus” which wipes out the player in one hit. Effectively a race against the clock before he gets the chance.
Round 6: Rudd, Gillard and Shorten
Shorten works in the background and switches between the two when their health goes down and slowly regenerates said health.
Kevin has high defence due to his high ignorance stat while Gillard makes shrill cries that cancel the player’s current attack.
Shorten himself is a man without a face among other faceless NPCs and only momentarily shows his giving the player a rare chance to get an attack in.
Round 7: Clive Palmer
The most hardest boss yet due to his size and having no set pattern nor attack set. Before every attack/turn he changes his mind.
Round 8: Pauline Hanson
Attacking is easy, but every time one lands she shouts “Explain!” and the player has to pass a long twitch-based QTE otherwise the attack fails and the player takes the damage.
See, we’re actually creating 2 different versions of the game here. Mine is more “current day Anti-Liberal” where as yours is “past thinking Liberal”. But a nice attempt though.
There is only one difference, Mase. My is satire based on fact while yours is a heavy dose of Labor Fanboyism.
Abbott is an idiot at times but he is no puppet to Murdoch nor Rineheart. That was swipe from the Greens and echoed by Labor.
It doesn’t matter who is in office: both have their investments well placed so they always make a buck without having to a damn thing. If business were wildlife, then those two are the most intelligent jackals on the planet.
I hope that was a tongue in cheek joke because if you seriously think the Coalition is wrong in sending 600 troops over the ISIS threat then you need to settle things with the man in the mirror.
ISIS (or IS, whatever they are calling themselves now) is a very real threat, as attested by the raids that were carried out the night before.
As long as Alf Stewart is on my team, no one stands a chance.
Could we get Ozzie Ostrich as our Chocobo stand in? Maybe Ernie Dingo as a summon.
Final boss fight theme is obviously AC/DC.
Clearly, the final boss would be Harold Holt.
gina the hutt… the spice must flow..
the one and only self styled drug dealer shooting street commando Chopper Read of course .
what politicised garbage.
Gina Rinehart, She throws wads of molten gold and there’s heaps of gems to collect in her level.
Oh I have someone much, much worse, Mark.
…..Pauline Hanson!
I don’t think Tony would be the Final Boss, I think he would be your NPC companion through the last part of the game. Then once you defeated the 2 headed Kevin Gillard monster to move onto Gina Rynoserious, just when it looked like victory was won, Tony would put you down like Elizabeth did Booker. Pow. GAME OVER
ATTENTION: LEVEL 5 Spoiler Alert. All rights to complain are void if one proceeds to view the spoiler.
You mean the player is the father of a politician?….NOOOOOOO!!!!!
final boss would be to slay all the CEO’s conjoined in a giant blob of crap, and free australia from capitalism? Can’t say any politician since they are a ceo themselves.
The final boss… would be my boss.
I’d be astonished as to how “the game” knew who my boss was, until I realized that even though you probably don’t know him he still wants to end you with equal fervor and determination.
Bio-Mechanically enhanced Harold Holt. Perfected and weaponised in a secret underwater bunker off the coast of Victoria over the last 57 odd years. Enraged, twisted and confused, seeking revenge on his beloved Australian public for doing nothing to stop this having happened to him.
Abbott a final boss? Hardly. Abbott is more like a helpful misunderstood ally.
Final boss would be Christine Milne and Sarah Hanson-Young
The Rainbow Serpent with it’s fire ant and redback minions.
Everyone else is a midmoss compared to Rupert Murdoch, secret dark emperor.
Lord Murdoch, obviously.
Also, this is relevant: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En3wcFfrrGg