Who's The Most Australian Pokémon?

Recently, Canada’s official Twitter account asked the internet which Pokémon was the most Canadian (it's Bidoof, by the way). One of the new Pokémon arriving in Sun and Moon was also revealed to be straight up a koala. This returned me to a question that I sometimes ponder while my train is travelling through an area with poor Wi-Fi reception: Who are the most Australian Pokémon?

Pokémon image via Youtube, Australia image from Shutterstock; edited by Amanda Yeo

This article was originally published 30 June 2016.

Now, establishing what is ‘Australian’ is like establishing what is ‘ethical’ - the rules are kind of fuzzy and vary greatly depending upon opinion and level of racism. But for the purposes of my Aussie pocket monster dream team, I’m going to be sticking with Pokémon based on animals that are commonly associated with Australia. I haven’t included koala Pokémon Nekkoara because Pokémon Sun and Moon isn’t out yet, and I’ve also limited this list to six Pokémon because that’s the maximum number you can have on a team.

So without further ado and in no particular order of Australian-ness, I give you the Most Australian Pokémon As Decided By Me.


Kangaskhan

No.: 115

Type: Normal

If you come across a young Kangaskhan playing by itself, you must never disturb it or attempt to catch it. The baby Pokémon's parent is sure to be in the area, and it will become violently enraged at you.

Image from Pokemon.com

Up until Nekkoara was revealed, I’d argue that this kangaroo Pokémon was the most Aussie Pokémon in existence. How do you get more Australian than a kangaroo? Maybe giving it one of those cork hats and getting it really drunk. But you probably wouldn’t survive the experience.

It’s a bit of a joke amongst non-Australians that Aussie kids ride to school in their pet kangaroo’s pouch. This is utterly ridiculous because a) mucus, and b) kangaroos are giant bouncy melon ballers for humans. Trying to fight a kangaroo is like trying to fight a train. They will not hesitate to disembowel you, and you’ll deserve it for trying to climb inside them.

They're also more buff than you'll ever be, have terrific legs and make great parents. Date a kangaroo.


Ekans

No.: 23

Type: Poison

Ekans curls itself up in a spiral while it rests. Assuming this position allows it to quickly respond to a threat from any direction with a glare from its upraised head.

Image from Pokemon.com

Australia is well known for its snakes. Twenty one of the 25 most toxic snakes in the world live on this here inhospitable island nation. So of course I had to have the Ekans, also known as ‘Snake’ spelled backwards. Ekans is allegedly venomous as well, but it clearly doesn't have any teeth, which seems like a glaring design flaw in a venomous snake.

Ekans also evolves into Arbok. “That’s a weird name to give the evolution of Snake Spelled Backwards,” I thought to myself as I was compiling this list in the shower, writing names of Pokémon in the fogged up glass. “I wonder…” Arbok. Kobra.

Cobra.

I don't know what I expected.


Heliolisk

No.: 695

Type: Electric, Normal

They flare their frills and generate energy. A single Heliolisk can generate sufficient electricity to power a skyscraper.

Image from Pokemon.com

The frilled-neck lizard used to be on the two cent coin, until Australia decided that two cent coins were more trouble than they were worth. The frilled-neck lizard is also a lot of trouble, but we can’t pull them from circulation.

Heliolisk is basically what Hugh Laurie would look like if he was a frilled-neck lizard, only Nintendo has seen fit to make him more terrifying by granting him the power of electricity. Alright, so frilled-neck lizards (and Hugh Laurie) probably won’t hurt you. But if caught in a mood, they might chase you, which will make you completely forget that they won’t hurt you. Frilled-neck lizards have been known to run at people full tilt while on their hind legs, completely unimpeded by the wind resistance that by all rights should exist against their neck sails. Lizards are the dinosaurs that were too tough to die off with all the other dinosaurs, and too stubborn to evolve into birds.

I don't know if Hugh Laurie chases people while in his Shakespearean neck frill as well, but if he did I would probably cry.


Sharpedo

No.: 319

Type: Water, Dark

Nicknamed “the bully of the sea," Sharpedo is widely feared. Its cruel fangs grow back immediately if they snap off. Just one of these Pokémon can thoroughly tear apart a supertanker.

Image from Pokemon.com

It’s a shark. Of course it’s a shark. You can’t think of Australia and not think of sharks. Though, to be fair, Jaws really gave sharks a bad rap. Only around three people die annually in Australia due to shark attacks. Considering how much time we spend hurling ourselves into the ocean to avoid baking alive because the sun clearly doesn’t want us to be here, the odds are pretty good. And sharks only attack because they need to kill and eat things to live.

Dolphins, on the other hand, are jerks. If anything is the bully of the sea, it's dolphins. Dolphins will gang up to ram a whale to death for fun and not even eat it, but we still treat them as though they’re harmless wet puppies. Don’t mess with dolphins. Sharks just want to eat, swim and be left alone, which makes them exactly like 90 per cent of Australians at the beach in summer. Just don’t look like a seal or a sausage and you’ll be right.


Spinarak

No.: 167

Type: Bug, Poison

The web spun by Spinarak can be considered its second nervous system. It is said that this Pokémon can determine what kind of prey is touching its web just by the tiny vibrations it feels through the web's strands.

Image from Pokemon.com

It wouldn’t be a list of Australian Pokémon without a poisonous bug.

There is a surprising dearth of spider-themed Pokémon. There are a few allegedly ‘spider’ Pokémon, but their legs are in weird places. Spinarak is the only one that I’d say looks suitably spidery for Australian spider standards.

Spinerak is also 50cm tall, and weighs 8.5kg. The largest spider in the world, the Goliath Bird-Eating tarantula (which, in defiance of laws of probability, is not Australian), only reaches about 30cm in leg span and weighs 175g. To put this into context, it would take five Goliath Bird-Eating tarantulas standing side by side to measure the length of my height, but it would only take three Spinerak stacked on top of each other for the top one to eat my face. Nekkoara, the new koala Pokémon, is only 40cm tall. Spiders should never be bigger than koalas.


Mantine

No.: 226

Type: Water, Flying

On sunny days, schools of Mantine can be seen elegantly leaping over the sea's waves. This Pokémon is not bothered by the Remoraid that hitches rides.

Image from Pokemon.com

Ah, the majestic aquatic flatbreads.

Manta rays have to remain moving in order to survive, like how people keep moving in order to stave off existential crises. Manta rays are probably theoretically immortal, only they get so tired of moving that they just think ‘screw it’ and lie down to die. I would if I had to keep walking to live.

Also, check out that type. ‘Flying’. These Pokémon only fly in the same way that Buzz Lightyear flies. They fly like I can levitate. They can’t even learn ‘Fly’. But if telling people they can fly makes them feel less like giant perpetual motion sea omelettes, I’m not going to begrudge them. It’s a real shame they can’t learn Fly, though. I imagine it’d be like sitting on a magic carpet. If they stopped moving long enough for you to climb on.


Bonus: New Zealand

Mareep

No.: 179

Type: Electric

Mareep's fluffy coat of wool rubs together and builds a static charge. The more static electricity is charged, the more brightly the lightbulb at the tip of its tail glows.

Image from Pokemon.com

You know why.


Which Pokémon do you think is the most Australian? Let us know in the comments!


Comments

    Slowpoke, obviously. Accurately represents our politicians (of all flavours), our internet, and our progressive development.

    Last edited 30/06/16 11:04 am

      Oh my god I'm dying!

    I'm surprised there's no cubone/marowak on this list, I dunno why but they really strike me as Aussie.

      it's full of aus essense but it doesnt mimic :V any aus animals

    wrong wrong wrong... it is totally and 100% Psyduck... i mean come on.... hes a Platypus for goodness sake... http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/pokemon/images/6/62/Misty_Psyduck_anime.png/revision/latest?cb=20151104091724

      Isn't Psyduck, you know, a duck?

        man that thing has got platypus all over it.... i mean, look at it!!! try and tell me you dont see it?!?!?

        Psyduck. It's a duck... PSYCHE!

    Just like the Platypus looks like an amalgamation of other species. So does Dunsparce.
    Dunspace is the sort of weird animal that only Australia would have.

    Ekans is a rattlesnake, species of snake exclusive to American continents

    My first thought was Scraggy... if Scraggy had an Adidas logo on it's pants. Lots of "lads/rat kids" in my area. Oh there goes another one, just asked a passerby for $1 and a ciggy.

    Totadile?
    Crocanaw?

      It's got to be Croconaw, he's got the beer belly and everything!

    Have you ever seen Slowking and Malcolm Turnbull in the same room at once?

    Nekkoara? Literally a Koala.

      I haven’t included koala Pokémon Nekkoara because Pokémon Sun and Moon isn’t out yet

      Second paragraph.

    Garbodor for sure,
    Flounders in rubbish, smells terrible, throws shit every where and cant speak a legible language... sounds like campbelltown

    Does Ditto count as It could technically be any thing that it wants to be.

    Ekans also evolves into Arbok. “That’s a weird name to give the evolution of Snake Spelled Backwards,” I thought to myself as I was compiling this list in the shower, writing names of Pokémon in the fogged up glass. “I wonder…” Arbok. Kobra.

    Cobra.

    Yeah, I realized this a few weeks back after breaking out the old Nintendo 64 and playing Pokemon Stadium like old days.

    Ended up trying to find more names spelled backwards. Found Muk.

    Last edited 30/06/16 2:26 pm

    No Breloom :(
    http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Breloom_(Pok%C3%A9mon)
    He's a little boxing Kangaroo Grass/Fighting type :(

      YES. Breloom is the best pokemon. He's got a weird little hat and that makes me smile, and he looks so happy fighting people, and I love him.

      Though honestly, most of my bias for Breloom is that I swept half of the Ruby/Sapphire E4 with a Breloom that knew Sky Uppercut.

    Fun read with some good wit in there. Nice job!

    just shut up the name Psy Duck says everything a duck!!!!!!!!!!

    As a New Zealander the idea of an electric sheep is pretty appealing. But just remember next time the gravy is running down your chin, we only mess around with the ones we plan on exporting to Australia.

    My picks are:
    Houndoom since it looks like the Tasmanian Dingo or dingos in general
    and Houndour since it looks like the Tasmanian Devil (or a baby dingo)

    Australia has lots of sheep too. Mareep is probably in Australia but not native to AU or NZ.

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