As a diehard Nintendo child, I was basically raised on Mario Party. To be quite honest, it’s the closest thing I have to religion. But not all characters are created equal, so I thought what better way to spend this glorious Wednesday than by ranking the characters from shit to lit.
For the purposes of this list, I am only ranking playable characters from Super Mario Party, which unfortunately rules out icons like Toad and Kamek. Sorry, Toad stans.
20. Bowser Jr
I cannot stress just how much I hate Bowser Jr. Not sure if it’s the eyebrows, the hair or just the fact that he’s the shit version of real Bowser, but I HATEEEE him.
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but Mario sucks. The only reason Mario was ever good was because he was the OG, but if you genuinely pick Mario instead of any of the other characters on this list when playing Mario Party, do not ever speak to me again. Yuck.
18. Hammer Bro
Who the hell is this? Get out.
17. Pom Pom
I do not know her.
Slightly better than Mario, but still not a fan. I’m sorry but these plumbers give me bad vibes. Bad vibes, I tell ya!
Daisy just swooped in here and tried to steal Princess Peach’s thunder, and I will never forgive her.
The chin. Need I say more?
Rosalina is objectively hotter than Peach and, to be quite honest, I hate her for that.
12. Donkey Kong
Donkey Kong’s teeth make me incredibly uncomfortable.
11. Diddy Kong
Diddy is juuuust above Donkey Kong because his name reminds me of P. Diddy and I think that’s neat.
This guy is angry as hell, and usually I wouldn’t relate. But after two years of living through a pandemic and the literal earthquake we encountered today, I find Goomba extremely relatable.
9. Shy Guy
I love this man with my whole heart. He’s not my go-to choice, but I respect him and his little mask.
I’m convinced Koopa is what you get if Yoshi and Bowser had a weird turtle dinosaur hybrid lovechild.
Waluigi is the hottest man in the Mario franchise. Tall? Skinny? Angry? Hot! Big fan.
She’s royalty for a reason.
5. Monty Mole
Look at this man and tell me he didn’t make you smile! You simply cannot!
He’s just a spooky lil guy. 5 stars. Big fan of his work in Luigi’s Mansion.
Bowser is just so tough and I’m so here for it. Not so fond of Bowser Jr, but I love the big man.
Yoshi is god tier. It took all of my strength not to put him as number one, but he’s an extremely close second.
1. Dry Bones
I wouldn’t be a reformed emo kid if I didn’t put Dry Bones as number one. He is the GOAT. I love him with every fibre of my being. 11/10 big fan.