One thing I’ve always wondered about the Schnitzza: how do they get the base so round? If I were to somehow break into the Pizza Hut factory (or The Big Hut, as it’s probably called), would I be greeted by thousands of perfectly round chickens? Or would I instead find some sort of dark magic occurring, perhaps some goblins chanting incantations to get the Schnitzza base as rotund as it is? Who am I to say? I’m just a simple guy, standing in my simple kitchen with four Schnitzzas in front of me.
Why do I have four Schnitzzas in front of me? What are you, the FBI? I don’t need to answer to you, as far as I know, you’re not even real! What if none of this is real? What if I’m sitting in a mental asylum typing away at a plastic keyboard given to me as the only method of quelling my deranged outbursts. SCHNITZZA, I yell, it’s like pizza but it’s chicken!! I continue as a comforting blanket is draped over my shoulders by a nurse while a doctor injects me with stronger sedatives.
Maybe I’ve gone mad, or maybe the world’s gone mad, because much to the chagrin of my Italian ancestors, the Schnitzza is, in fact, a thing. And now that’s in front of me and I’ve had a chomp, I’m It’s pretty good! But is it a good gaming food? Now that’s a question worth diving into.
But first, quick reviews!
Hawaiian
My first thought when first locking eyes on this bad boy was PiNeaPpLe oN PiZzA hURrrr — but then I remembered I’m not a basic loser writing a Tinder bio so I got over it. My first bite exceeded my expectations. The Hawaiian Schnitzza is true to its roots, it’s Hawaiian, it’s chicken, it’s nice.
Creamy Ham & Mushroom
When I opened the box containing the creamy ham and mushroom Schnitzza, my vegetarian housemate uttered “that’s foul, that needs to die immediately”. But she was wrong, it was fine, it wasn’t my favourite of the bunch, but it was still decent.
BBQ Beef & Ham
The problem with some BBQ pizzas is the BBQ sauce can be too overpowering, not the case here. Good Schnitzza, well done.
Margherita
I was worried this one would be boring, but it had that signature Pizza Hut taste to it, which I quite like. So another winner. Okay, now that’s sorted. Time to game.
First I played some Pokemon, and while I usually enjoy enslaving wild creatures into a life of confined misery, it was a little difficult to juggle playing a handheld Switch and also enjoying the culinary delight that is the Schnitzza.
So I moved to my PlayStation. First, I played some Mass Effect, because I have been a fool and had slept on the legendary series until last week, so I’m currently making my way through the first game. The Schnitzza was fine during cutscenes, but wasn’t super practical when a swarm of Geth are shooting at you from all directions.
Commander Shepard was not convinced.
Next, I played the final chapter of Horizon Forbidden West. I beat the game, but the Schnitzza was beginning to beat me. See, I’m pretty OCD about my controllers. Like, I wash my hands before playing. Maybe it stems from childhood and going to some friends’ houses and picking up their sticky dirty controllers. Yuck.
Point is, I look after my controllers better than I plan to look after my future children, so it was causing quite an internal dilemma having to hold my controller with my Schnitzza-y hands.
Guess Aloy is a vegetarian.
I rounded off my evening with some FIFA. I chewed away while negotiating with Manchester United to bring Ronaldo to my beloved AS Roma. He kept asking for more money, but Roma has no money. It was all quite frustrating, thankfully Schnitzza took my mind off my club’s financial troubles.
So the verdict: is the Schnitzza a good gaming food? No, unless you’re a grub who likes getting their controllers dirty, in which case I feel sorry for you and you should feel sorry for yourself.
But is the Schnitzza a good food, period? Yes you fool! I’m eating it as we speak!! What are you waiting for?? Go grab yourself one. Just eat it before you game, or after.
Or whatever, be a dirty freak and eat it while you shoot alien robots, I’m not your mum.
Or am I?…
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