The following story contains depictions of bodily reactions that I do not believe are the fault of this specific type of Domino’s pizza.
Anyway, new Snacktaku dropped!
Yesterday marked the launch of the Domino’s Impossible Pizza range, a collection of pizzas made in collaboration with plant-based meat makers Impossible Foods and Domino’s, the pizza guys. These folks decided to hold a launch party to commemorate the new pizza range, and they invited me because gamers love pizza. I accepted as I love pizza and free dinner.
Before arriving at this event I had foolishly convinced myself, as I do with any food event, that we would be placed in a large haunted mansion. Specifically, in a dining room with an incredibly long table that seats all of us, while we were waited on by a mysterious butler with a dark secret. Alas, this was not the case. I played myself.
these pizza are actually possible. pic.twitter.com/5Q0ba6MsK7
— ruby innes (@rubyinnes) October 20, 2022
Walking into Soda Factory in Surry Hills after a long day of work, we were surrounded by influencers and content creators. I recognised one from TikTok, and my coworker Soaliha recognised another from a reality show. They were all doing their own thing: networking and taking pictures in intricate spots around the room.
I find a weird joy in watching influencers exist in the world. I wonder if they think about things like we do. How many influencers think about whether or not Mario should have a fat ass in the new movie? Is that even a problem that occurs to them?
Influencers were not why I was there. They were small potatoes to me at that moment. I was hungry, starving even. Can I eat an influencer? No, that is illegal. Not only that, but this was an event for plant-based beef on pizza. Human flesh is not plant-based. My only thoughts were, “Let’s sit down and wait for our meal.”
So sit down and wait for the meal we did. The team found a booth and quickly lay claim to our greasy thrones, and found ourselves being presented with what felt like limited baskets of garlic bread. I feel like the garlic bread from Domino’s set the bar for garlic bread at other places. It’s soft, greasy, garlic-y, and addictive. If you’re wondering from my description…
Yes. I did fill up on garlic bread. It was a moment of weakness and a severe lapse in my better judgement.
At some point, after eating too many pieces of garlic bread and wanting to punch myself in the head for it, the music stopped and the drag queen that was DJing the event started her bit. It was a pretty good bit where she pretended to be on the phone. My memory was hazy from this part, as all I could think about was shoving some slop into my hog gob.
After the drag queen’s planned phone conversation, the pizzas finally came out. I was elated. I could’ve cried, but I didn’t because I didn’t feel like it. The pizzas had finally arrived.
The menu for this event is actually just a snippet of what’s available in the Impossible Pizzas range, but consisted of:
- Impossible Supreme
- Impossible Cheeseburger
- Impossible Hamburger
- Impossible Firebreather
- Impossible Godfather
- Vegan Impossible BBQ Burger
- Vegan Impossible Godfather
We had two of the pizzas brought to our table, an Impossible Cheeseburger and a Vegan Impossible Godfather. I am not vegan, but I can eat vegan food because I am an adult. However, the first one I tried was the Impossible Cheeseburger.
This was the pizza from the menu I was hoping to get but didn’t say anything about, so I’m wondering if there’s a new Domino’s-brand technology that can read my mind. If so, I apologise to any Domino’s worker that had the unfortunate experience of being trapped in my terrifying mind prison.
Honestly, folks? It’s good. The large chunks of Impossible Beef on the Domino’s pizza visually reminded me of that None Pizza With Left Beef meme from back in the day, but I was impressed to find that the chunks actually tasted really good. So much so that I would’ve been fine with not having the rest of the stuff on the pizza, but the additional ingredients were also quite delicious.
I think there’s this common misconception that plant-based beef tastes like doo-doo dogshit, and you could definitely say that about some of them. On the other hand, that definitely wasn’t the case here. These pi’s really za’d, if you know what I mean. It was delicioso, which means ‘delicious’ in Spanish. Thank you, Dora the Explorer.
If you’re a vegetarian or vegan gamer, or even a gamer that just wants something not beefy, I’d say going for one of these pizzas would be a good way to go. They’re pretty freakin’ yummy. Unfortunately, as I ate more pizza, I started to feel… weird.
This was not a fault of the Domino’s Impossible Beef range, of course. My body is not a temple, it is a beaten-up shack infested with vermin. I was so desperately bloated that if a stranger came up to me at this event and asked me when I was due, I would say, “Fair enough.” This is my general pizza-eating experience.
Was it worth it, though? Yeah, I’d say so. If I could live in a world where eating pizza didn’t make me look like I was about to give birth on the dancefloor of the Soda Factory, I would. Nonetheless, I enjoyed my meal. Also, there was an endless supply of Mountain Dew at the bar because of course there was.
Leave a Reply