I don’t know how I got here either, but it’s apparently become my duty to sample the next generation of consoles and report back my impressions about how they taste. In my culinary review of the Xbox Series X, I noted the long-lasting metallic aftertaste and the excellent mouthfeel of the controller. For my PS5 licks, I wanted to be surprised. I wanted to taste something I hadn’t tasted before. I wanted to be delighted, or even terrified. The taste of the PS5 did surprise me, but not for the reasons you’d think.
Before we get into how the PS5 tastes, let’s run through some basics.
Why am I licking the PS5? That’s an easy one. If I’m ever deserted on an island with my PS5 in tow (and I can’t rope a couple of sea turtles with my back hair to escape) I’ll need to know two key things: how does it taste, and can I eat it?
The answer to the second question is no, unless you're Michel Lotito, but the answer to the first question is easy.
How does it taste? Well, it tastes like nothing. If it didn't have an excellently smooth mouthfeel, it would be like licking air.
The Xbox Series X had a strange, sharp taste and an odd holey-texture to make it more interesting. The PS5 is completely bereft of any kind of taste, even after a quick spray and wipe with Windex. The texture is nice and extremely smooth, but without a particular flavour it's very boring. You probably won't want to give this a lick. It's just not worth it at all.
Even the controller can't make up for it.
How does the PS5 controller taste?
Maddeningly, the PS5 controller also tastes like nothing. There's no hint of metal, no metallicky flavours to warn against licking its surface and absolutely no satisfaction.
It does have a pretty excellent mouthfeel, though. The back is lined with tiny X O □ ∆ symbols which make for a nice texture to run your tongue along (and you should).
There's also a pronounced difference between licking the rougher white hand grips and the smooth central body, so give them both a lick if you like. Consider it practice for your aforementioned deserted island adventures.
Just don't expect the taste to make much of an impression.
PS5 vs. Xbox Series X: Final Verdict
This one is disappointingly easy.
If you're going to lick any next gen console, lick the Xbox Series X. The lack of flavour is a major flaw for the PS5, and I won't be coming back for future licks. Do better next time, Sony.
Join me in another seven years for the next edition of "how does this next gen console taste". I'm sure everyone is waiting with bated breath.