House Flipper 2 has got me massively overestimating my own house flipping abilities, and the state of my bank account. After blasting through the game’s campaign, and staying up too late watching stuff like Murder House Flippers, I truly believe (despite all the evidence) I could flip a weird house and make a tidy profit.
It was while I sat there, cleaning grime off digital cupboards, ripping out crusty digital showers probably used for [redacted], ripping up digital carpet stained with I-don’t-want-to-know what, that I got to thinking about how good it would be if House Flipper 2 would let me clean up some of video gaming’s most cursed domiciles.
Domiciles I will now list in no particular order.
I’m sorry. Please just let me get this out of my system.
Literally Every House from Phasmophobia
Obviously, the houses do change in Phasmophobia so this isn’t one specific house per se, but any house where a Poltergeist or Banshee might just go hunting and kill you at night while you try to tidy up the candles and spiritboxes is 100% on my list. You’d never know what you’re going to get! I could be trying to replace the wallpaper and cop a flying chair to the head. No two flips would ever be the same! Struggling to sell? Easy, just don’t tell them about the ghost, duh.
The Baker Home from Resident Evil 7: Biohazard
The Baker Home in Resident Evil 7: Biohazard literally still gives me occasional nightmares. The very idea of having to clean up that stomach-turning feast and the ‘ingredients’ in the kitchen alone … horrific. I’d do it though. I’d fix that house up so nice that the Bakers would never be able to return.
(I would almost certainly be murdered while knocking down a wall in the bathroom.)
The Finch House from What Remains of Edith Finch
The Finch House is literally just a towering monument to the ill-fated Finch family, filled with sealed-off rooms for every member as they died in more tragic and out-of-pocket ways. That kind of history lends some pretty awful vibes to the home – as well as the complete lack of regard for any sort of building code standards. Seems right up my alley, if I’m honest. Let’s get those locked doors out of the way and bundle the sad little diary entries from starving children and drowning men off the local Lifeline. That’s gonna be a heritage-listed building ready to welcome a new family. Preferably with less death, but that’s also none of my business.
Tartarus from Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3
The dungeon of Tartarus, built on top of a school and only available for one hour by a select group of people would make this a very exclusive piece of House Flipper 2 DLC. Despite being filled with shadow monsters, I think it’s this unique charm that would draw potential buyers in. I mean, just think of all the space and potential! Sure, school kids are almost dying in there nightly, but the price point would be dreamy given it’s only accessible 1/24 of a day.
I can fix it.
The Plantation from Left 4 Dead 2
I mean, a zombie-infested, half-run-down plantation is really pushing it, even for plucky house flippers like me. Luckily, I’ve taken down a Tank or two in my time so I think the House Flipper 2 team should let me clean it up. It’s the ultimate fixer-upper — water frontage, probably more Special Infected than you could poke a stick at, and it’s even got a machine gun on the veranda for dual-purpose usage in both a zombie apocalypse and as a blushing new home for a cashed-up family. Flip this bitch and we’re gonna be rich.
If you want to see some people with a greater knack for fixing up houses with awful vibes than me, you could always try Murder House Flip on PEDESTRIAN TELEVISION, which is streaming on 9Now (channels that both our parent company and our parent company’s parent company own, it must be said).
Lead Image Credit: Capcom
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