Which E3 Character Makes For the Most Cunning Linguist?

Which E3 Character Makes For the Most Cunning Linguist?
Image: Nintendo / Kotaku

And now, for absolutely no reason at all (thanks Batman), here’s a bunch of characters we saw at E3 along with expert analysis as to whether or not they go down on folks with vaginas.

As you can no doubt tell: This will be a deeply Not Safe For Work blog.

Mario

Screenshot: Nintendo Screenshot: Nintendo

I’m conflicted on whether the star of Mario + Rabbids: Sparks of Hope consumes the kitty. There’s part of me that wants to say no, and award the title of Best Bush-Eating Mario Brother to Luigi, who seems like he’d be a natural. However! At the beginning of Super Mario 64, Princess Peach, out of the blue, invited Mario over because she baked a cake for him. Now, I don’t know about you, but a bad bitch like Peach ain’t baking for nobody that don’t do right by her in the bedchamber.

Verdict: Yes, but he’s merely adequate at it.

Luigi

Image: Nintendo / Kotaku Image: Nintendo / Kotaku

I’m similarly conflicted about Luigi. My heart of hearts wants to give Luigi a standing “O”vation for Oral. He just seems like the nice, shy guy who knows how to orally please people with pussies. However! Thanks to intrepid reporters of Kotaku’s past we know a little bit about Luigi’s dong. At about 3.7 inches flaccid, he’s not packing serious heat but there’s just enough there that Luigi Mario might be considered slightly above average. And judging from the prevailing stereotype that cis dudes with decent dicks like to coast on their endowments rather than develop skills outside of the jackhammer, maybe Luigi isn’t the mouth maestro I want him to be.

Verdict: Maybe. There’s evidence to suggest either theory.

Wario

Image: Nintendo Image: Nintendo

Once again, my gut pulled me in one direction and my head in another. Wario, at first blush, seems like the dude who totally chows down. In almost every screen you see him in, his mouth is wide open, tongue lolling out. But (and there’s always a butt with Wario) my colleagues pointed out how greedy Wario is. He’s selfish and gluttonous and only wants what’s in his best interest. Plus he eats a lot of garlic, no one in the coochie constituent wants that near their nethers.

Verdict: Signs point to no.

Waluigi

Image: Nintendo Image: Nintendo

There is no doubt in my mind that Waluigi is a phenomenal pussy pleaser. Like no doubt. Look at him in the latest Mario Golf: Super Rush trailer. Did you see his outfit? Those shoes! That hat! The rose!? This guy fucks, and very well at that.

Verdict: Emphatically yes.

Alex Chen

Screenshot: Square Enix Screenshot: Square Enix

Alex Chen from Life Is Strange: True Colours looks like a sweet girl still early in her life as an out bisexual. I think she’d be a little nervous about oral sex but would, in time, come to enjoy it.

Verdict: Yes, and she’d stammer and blush a lot but it’d be really cute and endearing.

Peter Quill

Screenshot: Square Enix Screenshot: Square Enix

I’ve been obsessed with Peter Quill from Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy because of this:

Peter Quill is into some freaky shit and I respect the hell out of him for that (something I would never say for the MCU version of Quill). He’s probably obnoxious about it though, insisting that he can only get in the mood to mouth your mound if he can listen to his favourite ‘80s mixtape while doing it. Expect to hear a lot more Bonnie Tyler than in the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer.

Verdict: Yes, absolutely.

Link

Image: Nintendo Image: Nintendo

No. Link has never seen a vagina in his life, but that’s ok because in my mind, Link is ace anyway. For those who like to point out his relationship with Mipha in Breath of the Wild as proof Link does in fact fuck, counterpoint: Mipha also does not fuck. Anyway, he’s got more pressing concerns, like saving all of Hyrule again in Breath of the Wild 2. (Or uh, does he?)

Verdict: No. But Sidon does! (He’s gotta watch those teeth though.)

Jack

Screenshot: Square Enix Screenshot: Square Enix

The protagonist in the exceedingly confusing Stranger of Paradise Final Fantasy Origin is too concerned with CHAOS! to deal with the complexities of pleasing a vagina.

Verdict: C’mon, just look at this fuckboi.

Master Chief

Image: Bungie / 343 Industries Image: Bungie / 343 Industries

No. Absolutely not. Halo Infinite’s Master Chief has never even seen a vagina in a sexual context. Besides, between the rumours that his suit is the only lover he needs and his questionably close relationship with the incorporeal AI Cortana, Master Chief doesn’t need to eat pussy.

Verdict: Ahahaha! No.

Samus

Image: Nintendo / SNESMaps Image: Nintendo / SNESMaps

Oh hell yeah! My girl’s always goin’ on down to Lower Norfair.

Verdict: Definitely.

A bloodsucker from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. 2

Screenshot: GSC Game World Screenshot: GSC Game World

Verdict: Yeah we know wat that mouf do.

The internet has licked this conversation to death for the last few days. As far as the inciting incident for all this discussion of cunning linguists goes: If Batman wasn’t meant to eat pussy, then why doesn’t he hide the lower half of his face?

Checkmate, cowards.

Comments

  • This is one of those articles where you see the title and you think “Ash Parrish wrote this, didn’t she”

      • I’m surprised at the lack of diversity in the lineup. Mostly Nintendo characters?

        I guess you couldn’t very well have Chloe or Max from LiS Remastered. That one would be too easy.

        • There’s Alex from the new LiS, would be a bit weird to have Chloe or Max too.

          Personally, disappointed Yoshi wasn’t included. The lowest of hanging fruit, surely.

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